You may know someone who is depressed
and not know they’re depressed. People expect someone who is depressed
to cry a lot, stay in bed all day, mope, or sound like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. But depression isn’t always this obvious.
Some people can totally fake it. They can smile and laugh; they can
act like everyone else, even while they are in excruciating emotional
pain inside. Occasionally people who can do this end up killing
themselves, and no one can believe it. People who can act like they’re
not depressed may not confide in anyone. Usually they find a way to
spend time alone crying or letting down the facade and then go back to
acting when they have to be with people. I’ve had clients who lived with
their families and only found time to cry after everyone went to sleep,
and only in the bathroom. The rest of the time they were acting like
someone who wasn’t in pain. On top of the pain they already feel, acting
happy is emotionally exhausting, and having this secret is isolating.
So, faking it can even increase the depression.
Others funnel their pain into anger and people see them rage, abuse, shame,
or react with annoyance or irritation to whatever happens around them.
They may or may not themselves know they’re depressed, but others often
don’t guess how much devastating emotional pain they are in. People may
fear them, despise them, or dismiss them as mean. It is very difficult
to feel sympathy for someone who is hurting people, and it is difficult
to see their vulnerability, so their depression goes unnoticed.
Still others are addicted
to something, and the depression is obscured by the addiction. People
with addictions spend most of their time and energy relating to the
addiction. They plan to do it, anticipate doing it—these phases excite
them and elevate their mood temporarily. Then they use whatever they are
addicted to and it boosts their mood.
But then the thrill wears off, and they are depleted by the effects of
the addiction and may also feel remorse or shame, so the depression
descends on them, pulling them down like a cement jacket. They begin the
cycle again to try to feel better—plan and anticipate…. Their whole
life is about running from depression, but it becomes centered around
the more dramatic force of addiction, and the depression can be
unrecognized.
I am not saying that all addicts are driven by
depression—depression can also be caused by addiction. But addiction can
be a form depression takes that is not easy to identify as depression. I
include eating disorders in this category. I also include people who work most of their waking hours.
Depression isolates people. Whether they are hiding from the world in
bed, preoccupied with an addiction, pushing people away with anger, or
keeping their real thoughts and feelings inside while pretending to be
okay, people with depression usually feel very alone.
Depression also
has a built-in isolating fog quality that makes it very difficult to
feel connected to people. Even when people feel safe to express exactly
how they feel, it is very difficult for people who haven’t experienced a
deep depression to understand how that feels.
How can anyone who hasn’t
experienced it understand a pain that is as intense as any open-heart
surgery without anesthesia, with no cuts or bruises to show? How can
anyone who hasn’t experienced it understand the complexity of pain that
is not only unbearably intense itself but also complicated by many
painful factors like the stigma of mental illness and the confusion of
the fact that unlike other illnesses, depression causes behavior
changes. People attribute behavior to the moral character of the person,
rather than to the illness.
The pain is also complicated by the fact that depression attacks a
person’s thoughts and feelings, rather than liver or lungs. Depression
can cause a person to think she hates herself or is unhappy in her
relationships. It can cause someone to believe everyone would be better
off without him, or even that others would be better off dead. It can
cause people to feel sad, angry, guilty, numb, or rageful, even when
none of this is how they feel when they aren’t depressed.
So what can you do to help people you love who are depressed, if you
can’t tell they’re depressed? Ask questions very kindly and listen to
the answers very carefully. Empathize with their emotional pain—even if
you have to guess at what it might be. Let them know you are there to
listen and understand for as long as it takes, and you aren’t taking no
for an answer. Of course if you aren’t trustworthy—if you judge them, or
talk to others about what they tell you, or interrupt, get impatient,
or misunderstand them, then it is better for them to talk to someone who
can really listen without any of this. Being a reliable, trustworthy,
patient, nonjudgmental listener is the best thing you can do in most
cases with someone who is depressed.
A couple of caveats: I am talking about adults—children and teens
require some variations. Also, addictions cloud the picture of
depression and require their own, very different intervention.
Nonjudgmental listening is still essential but may need to be combined
with some firm boundary-setting and professional treatment for the
addiction.
Source: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/depression-hidden-symptoms-addiction-0814124
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