Oh well, it is only words... really?

by Costa Alecrim

A bruised body will often heal faster than a bruised mind. The next time you’re tempted to say something hurtful to someone just because you’re angry, you may want to consider the saying: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

Well, let’s consider for a moment the following…

“Once upon a time, there was a boy who had a very bad temper. His father noted it and gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy drove 40 nails into the fence. As time went by, he learned to control his temper so the number of nails hammered gradually reduced too, as he found out it was easier to keep his temper than to hammer those nails to the fence...

However, there was one day when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all, so he told his father about it. The father was pleased, and to further teach his son a lesson he suggested that the boy should pull out one nail for each day. That way he would be able to keep his temper. The days passed and the kid was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and showed him the fence and said “you have done very well son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar… just like this one.

The kid then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said “I hope you can forgive me, Father, for the holes I have put in you”.

Okay, okay, we don’t know the full circumstances that led the boy to behave that way… As I used to say, there are always two sides to every story: the boy might have learned those behaviours at home by watching his parents… or he might have been a victim of bullying, so he was in pain… and potentially frustrated… or maybe he might have been scared... or threatened...  loads of 'maybes', I know…

All these elements put together, might have resulted in the kid's aggressive behaviour towards his father…maybe ...

Every day, when we watch the news, most of the stories are based on incidents which might have been, to a certain extent, fueled by anger, frustration and aggression. How do we recognise them? They come in many shape and forms. I just could name a few of them:

-         Assaults (verbal and physical)...

-         Gossips...

-         Rebellious (anti social behaviour, refusal to talk)

-         Bullying…

I think that our worst enemies, are always the ones we cannot see... the invisible ones... the ones we cannot prove, such as gossips and bullying, for instance. The latter has always had its place in society and like my parents and I, there are thousands and thousands of people who have also been bullied somewhere, somehow… by somebody, of course! It can take place anywhere: school, home, club, work.

Bullying causes harm, alarm and distress... not to mention fear! It affects our conditions of worth, our self-esteem and confidence, and so on. Some people can just easily ‘brush it off’ the comments and simply get on with life… but others not so easily. As our story says “The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar” . 

Bullying leaves deep marks on us: some victims may develop anxiety… others PTSD… but others might not be so lucky: they may take their own lives!  It deeply saddens me to see in the news cases such as the 15-year old Jadin Bell, who was in hospital in Portland, Oregon, as he tried to take his own life for being bullied…

So please remember: a bruised body will often heal faster than a bruised mind. The next time you’re tempted to say something hurtful to someone just because you’re angry, you may want to consider the saying: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

 Costa is Hypnotherapist, Psychotherapist and writer
 www.hypnotherapyinbuxton.co.uk www.hypnotherapyinnewmills.co.uk


Read more on Work Place behaviours 
                  

Something to think about

It is said that several animals decided to found a school. They gathered around in the forest and began to choose the subjects:

The bird insisted that the flying subject was important... The fish chose swimming as part of the curriculum, on the other hand the squirrel found that going up on trees was essential, 

The rabbit wanted racing above everything else...  But suddenly they realised they had made a big mistake: they insisted that all animals should carried out all the subjects..

The rabbit was magnificent in the race, nobody ran like it, but they wanted to teach him how to fly... So he was put on a tree and told: "Fly, rabbit". So he jumped from the top, broke his legs and as a result he didn't learn to fly AND broke his legs...

The bird flew like no other, but it was forced to dig holes like the mole. It broke its beak and wings, and could not even fly anymore nor dig holes.

Sooo... what is the MORAL of the STORY: we are all different in many ways!

Each one of us has something good to offer and we cannot force others to be like us. At the same time we cannot accept to be the way the others want us to be..

We will end up causing them to suffer, and in the end they will not be what we wanted them to be nor what they were in first place...

Let's respect, love and understand ourselves?

Can you counter act negative suggestions?

YES you can! Just by picking up a newspaper or turning the telly on, everyday you hear dozens of stories that could sow the seeds of fear, worry and anxiety... However, if you accept them and take them in, these destructive thoughts may cause you to lose your will to live!!

BUT you don't have to accept them, as you have within yourself the power to counteract all these destructive ideas by autosuggesting constructive messages to your subconscious mind.. 

For a moment, stop and think about what you were not thinking about which is exactly what you need to know now: close your eyes and try to go back to your childhood (if it is safe to do) and remember ALL that negativity coming from parents and relatives... and then from friends... and then from bosses and co-workers and so on and on and on...

Study the things said to you... closely examine the meaning underneath... you might discover that many of them were nothing more than a form of propaganda... AND they were following their OWN agenda... yes their own agenda! We ALL have one, it is normal! and the worse is: they are all concealed or better saying 'disguised'... So you might ask yourself "What is the purpose of it?" Well, the purpose 'was' and still 'is' to instill fear and negative conditions of worth in you!

 When you say "I can't do this" or "I am too old now" you are simply programming  your subconscious with these negative thoughts. As a result you create obstacles... you are in effect telling your subconscious mind that it cannot solve your problems... 

So on one hand you have your conscious mind saying "I can do this" on the other hand you have your subconscious saying "I can't do this".. so it becomes an impasse...

However... you can change it! 

Go somewhere quiet, sit down, take a few deep breaths... try not to think of anything but that moment... and then repeat the following:

"My subconscious knows the answer... it is responding to me now... I give thanks because I know the infinite intelligence of my subconscious knows all things and is revealling the perfect answer to me now... my real conviction is now setting free the majesty and glory of my subconscious mind. I rejoice that is so" 
                                                 
                                                    Dr Joseph Murphy, The Power of your Subconscious Mind


Soo... some of you may say "Oh this is an affirmation!" and others may also say "It is a prayer!" and the answer is... yes and yes! You are both correct. Praying is nothing more and nothing less than an act/affirmation of faith, love and respect towards you, others, nature, universe and God. 

I hope you have found this helpful. If you wish to leave your comments, you may do so on our FB page:    MetaMind Therapies UK


Thank you

Flatliners: the film vs subconcious

We can try to change the past as much as we like, but it's what we do with the present that matters most....

It is true, isn't it? We ALL have something in the past that we decided to consciously suppress or subconsciously repress for any reason. The film Flatliners clearly shows that aspect of our subconscious mind  where a group of student doctors decided to run a few experiments on 'life after death'.

However, when the characters were clinically dead, each one of them in fact, got in touch with their fears and regrets of their past. As they grew up and in order to protect them from pain, their subconscious put defences up by repressing those painful memories.

Again, as they had experienced death, besides regrets, they also experienced remorse... As a result, they now have deal with their past too...

Psychotherapy and Hypnotherapy can be very effective when dealing with those aspects of our subconscious mind, which can offer a safe environment for the Catharsis to take place or just simply help the client to embrace new conditions of worth and move on in life.

Perfectionism: a Self-Defeating Mechanism

Perfectionism

• Do you feel like what you accomplish is never quite good enough?
• Do you often put off turning in papers or projects, waiting to get them just right?
• Do you feel you must give more than 100 percent on everything you do or else you will be mediocre or even a failure?

If so, rather than simply working toward success, you may in fact be trying to be perfect. Perfectionism refers to a set of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching excessively high unrealistic goals. Perfectionism is often mistakenly seen in our society as desirable or even necessary for success. However, recent studies have shown that perfectionistic attitudes actually interfere with success. The desire to be perfect can both rob you of a sense of personal satisfaction and cause you to fail to achieve as much as people who have more realistic strivings.

Causes of Perfectionism

If you are a perfectionist, it is likely that you learned early in life that other people valued you because of how much you accomplished or achieved. As a result you may have learned to value yourself only on the basis of other people’s approval. Thus your self-esteem may have come to be based primarily on external standards. This can leave you vulnerable and excessively sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others. In attempting to protect yourself from such criticism, you may decide that being perfect is your only defense.

A number of the following negative feelings, thoughts, and beliefs may be associated with perfectionism:

• Fear of failure. Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.
• Fear of making mistakes. Perfectionists often equate mistakes with failure. In orienting their lives around avoiding mistakes, perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.
• Fear of disapproval. If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism, rejection, and disapproval.
• All-or-none thinking. Perfectionists frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect. Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in perspective. For example, a straight “A” student who receives a “B” might believe, “I am a total failure.”
• Overemphasis on “shoulds.” Perfectionists’ lives are often structured by an endless list of “shoulds” that serve as rigid rules for how their lives must be led. With such an overemphasis on shoulds, perfectionists rarely take into account their own wants and desires.
• Believing that others are easily successful. Perfectionists tend to perceive others as achieving success with a minimum of effort, few errors, emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence. At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate.

The Vicious Cycle of Perfectionism

Perfectionistic attitudes set in motion a vicious cycle. First, perfectionists set unreachable goals. Second, they fail to meet these goals because the goals were impossible to begin with. Failure to reach them was thus inevitable. Third, the constant pressure to achieve perfection and the inevitable chronic failure reduce productivity and effectiveness. Fourth, this cycle leads perfectionists to be self-critical and self-blaming which results in lower self-esteem. It may also lead to anxiety and depression.

At this point perfectionists may give up completely on their goals and set different goals thinking, “This time if only I try harder I will succeed.” Such thinking sets the entire cycle in motion again. This vicious cycle can be illustrated by looking at a way in which perfectionists often deal with interpersonal relationships. Perfectionists tend to anticipate or fear disapproval and rejection from those around them. Given such fear, perfectionists may react defensively to criticism and in doing so frustrate and alienate others.

 Without realizing it, perfectionists may also apply their unrealistically high standards to others, becoming critical and demanding of them. Furthermore, perfectionists may avoid letting others see their mistakes, not realizing that self-disclosure allows others to perceive them as more human and thus more likeable. Because of this vicious cycle perfectionists often have difficulty being close to people and therefore have less than satisfactory interpersonal relationships.

Healthy Striving

Healthy goal setting and striving are quite different from the self-defeating process of perfectionism. Healthy strivers tend to set goals based on their own wants and desires rather than primarily in response to external expectations. Their goals are usually just one step beyond what they have already accomplished. In other words, their goals are realistic, internal, and potentially attainable. Healthy strivers take pleasure in the process of pursuing the task at hand rather than focusing only on the end result. When they experience disapproval or failure, their reactions are generally limited to specific situations rather than generalized to their entire self-worth.

What to do About Perfectionism

The first step in changing from perfectionistic attitudes to healthy striving is to realize that perfectionism is undesirable. Perfection is an illusion that is unattainable. The next step is to challenge the self-defeating thoughts and behaviors that fuel perfectionism. Some of the following strategies may help:

• Set realistic and reachable goals based on your own wants and needs and what you have accomplished in the past. This will enable you to achieve and also will lead to a greater sense of self-esteem.
• Set subsequent goals in a sequential manner. As you reach a goal, set your next goal one level beyond your present level of accomplishment.
• Experiment with your standards for success. Choose any activity and instead of aiming for 100 percent, try for 90 percent, 80 percent, or even 60 percent success. This will help you to realize that the world does not end when you are not perfect.
• Focus on the process of doing an activity not just on the end result. Evaluate your success not only in terms of what you accomplished but also in terms of how much you enjoyed the task. Recognize that there can be value in the process of pursuing a goal.
• Use feelings of anxiety and depression as opportunities to ask yourself, “Have I set up impossible expectations for myself in this situation?”
• Confront the fears that may be behind your perfectionism by asking yourself, “What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen?”
• Recognize that many positive things can only be learned by making mistakes. When you make a mistake ask,
• “What can I learn from this experience?” More specifically, think of a recent mistake you have made and list all the things you can learn from it.
• Avoid all-or-none thinking in relation to your goals. Learn to discriminate the tasks you want to give high priority to from those tasks that are less important to you. On less important tasks, choose to put forth less effort. Once you have tried these suggestions, you are likely to realize that perfectionism is not a helpful or necessary influence in your life. There are alternative ways to think that are more beneficial. Not only are you likely to achieve more without your perfectionism, but you will feel better about yourself in the process.